Have you ever had a conversation where the person you are speaking with has a running narrative?  They just keep ruminating over the same issue, and won’t stop.  It’s maddening, isn’t it?  When I find myself in those moments, I want to shake the person’s shoulders, look them squarely in the eye, and say: I get it!  Enough!

If you’re a long-time reader, I’m concerned you may feel similar with this post.  So please bear with me, because I just can’t get this off my heart.

I cannot seem to get myself off the never ending Ferris wheel of body image comparison and self-doubt.  My heart of writing is this:

We must take care of our bodies with proper nutrition and exercise in order to do what God calls us to do. But we can’t turn the process into a false worship.

I don’t advocate a perfect body – whatever that is.  I’ve spoken about the demon called Comparison.  Having confidence in our own bodies, the way we move, and how we treat ourselves, takes precedence over how we look.

Why, why, why do continue the narrative?

So why am I always questioning myself?  Why is it,  when a friend I haven’t seen in awhile posts a new picture of her slim physique, do I immediately wonder how she lost weight?  And if she can, why can’t I?  Why am I envious of a mom’s flat belly as she pushes her double stroller?  Why do I look at someone who is so obviously built differently than me and want her body?

I realize I’m asking a lot of questions here, and I’m not sure any of them will be answered in this essay.

Maybe part of the answer is because I enjoy chocolate, wine, and the occasional Orange Leaf yogurt with my boys.  Just sayin’.

Taking a step back gives me perspective

Honestly, I’m mostly confident in the choices I make.  I’m actually kind of proud that I don’t adhere to a strict program because that’s not where I thrive.  I like being able to dig into the Trader Joe’s chocolate croissants my bible study sister brings without beating myself up over it.  I take pleasure in having a glass of wine while I prep dinner.  These bring me joy and balance.

And were I to really tighten up my eating, I’m not even sure my body would respond dramatically.  Every now and then I go down this route; I count points or calories or grams of protein and guess what?  Nothing significantly changes.

I think my body is just where it needs to be.  It’s at a set point.

Resting in the set point

I should rest in this.  Accepting I’m healthy and fueling it with vegetables, fruits, whole grains, and quality protein is a better approach.  I should embrace my physical wins and honor its response to my training.  These should take me to the top of the Ferris wheel, where I can look out with perspective and contentment.

But then I look over and there she is: lighter, thinner, and seemingly happier.  And down I go, down the path of mental punishment and self-doubt.

The maddening cycle

I go through this cycle periodically.  I can’t say how often because sometimes it’s a slow turn of the wheel and for months I’m at the top, happy and free.  Sometimes, however, I get a full revolution in the course of about thirty seconds.  It goes something like this:

• Today’s been great!  I’ve eaten so well! (circling up)
• Fantastic workout, physically drained but feel strong and powerful.  I’m right where I need to be. (at the top)
• Wait, when did she get so skinny?  How did she do that?  (trudging down … quickly)
• That will never be me. (bottom out)
• No, you’re doing all the right things and taking care of yourself.  Your path is not hers.  Stay the course.  (start the up cycle, and repeat)

Taking captive those thoughts

You see, I can correct my thinking.  I’ve quoted this scripture before, but it remains relevant:

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.  2 Corinthians 10:5

It took me a long time to recognize those toxic thoughts and turn them around.  Occasionally, they still slither their way into my brain.   I wonder: is this a lighter version of an addict?  Does someone who is sober for twenty years still yearn for that beer?  Am I in my own harmful addiction of body comparison?

I’ve spent a lot of time in prayer about this.  My church had a fantastic series last year on taking care of our bodies.  In it, my pastor breathed new life into my definition of healthy.  It’s this new interpretation that carries me now.

God, through His gentle mercy and fierce grace, delivers me from toxic thoughts.  Every time.

If I can stay focused on His truth of full acceptance and love, I’m good.  I just have to be diligent about it.  And maybe I just need to avoid Ferris wheels, staying firmly planted by Him.

Need a little help with turning your thoughts around?  Sign up here for a FREE 7-day scripture-based journal to release the pursuit of physical perfection and grasp on to the beauty God created in us … all with a lot of grace and little chocolate.

(photo credit: Hannah Morgan @hannahmorgan7)